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Saint Patrick's Day Jokes |
Letter
to her son in New York
'Dear Paddy,
Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under
him. He's a gardener at the local cemetery.
Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out
and a new cooker put in.
I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.
I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office
weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for
the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut
the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.
We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker.
Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma's
funeral by Wednesday - up she comes.
I must close now. I would have enclosed some money,
but I'd already sealed the envelope.
A team of council workers were drilling nearby
and accidentally cut through the drains to the
house. Since then there's been a terrible smell
from your loving mother, Nancy.'
McCarthy walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started
to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McCarthy had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives."
On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little
to much to drink was driving home from the city
and his car was weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you
been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the
drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms across his chest, "that a
few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's
Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a
good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to
control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas
with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo
with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to
the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
Don be puffin' down the Irish now! |
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